


Aftereffects of the Apocalypse (Or, Missiles and Misunderstandings)

by whoknowsyourfuture



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Gen, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Insanesociopath's 300 Follower Challenge, idk how to do tags guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-26 14:15:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20743547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whoknowsyourfuture/pseuds/whoknowsyourfuture
Summary: When the government starts asking questions about the Apocalypse, Aziraphale and Crowley can take care of themselves. But can Adam?





	Aftereffects of the Apocalypse (Or, Missiles and Misunderstandings)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [InsaneSociopath](https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsaneSociopath/gifts).

> Written for InsaneSociopath's 300 Follower Challenge. The prompt was: 
> 
> Challenge prompt: when all is said and done, and the notpocalypse has been... Successfully ignored, it comes to light that Adam's powers are very much... //Not// ignorable. The UK government would like to know where all their trident submarines have disappeared to please. 
> 
> Enjoy!

“I am sure that everyone is aware of recent… events. While somehow it seems that most of the changes were reversed, the Trident missiles have not reappeared. This is a matter of national security. We will begin our investigation today with a presentation of the events which occurred yesterday. Sergeant Brown, if you will…”

* * *

Since the Not’pocalypse and subsequently thwarted attempts by each of their organizations to erase them from existence, Crowley and Aziraphale had become much more overt in their relationship. Aziraphale had accepted Crowley’s offer to stay at his apartment in a more permanent fashion and no longer lived entirely in his bookshop. Crowley had reduced the amount of time menacing his plants[1] and very rarely performed any of the petty temptations[2] which had consumed the bulk of his time prior to Adam’s eleventh birthday. Instead, he was spending much more time with Aziraphale, both at the bookshop and in other places. Today, Crowley was taking advantage of a particularly sunny spot on an armchair, while Aziraphale was attempting to discourage a particularly determined Austen collector. Both of them had noticed the collector’s nervous sidelong glances at Crowley[3], but Aziraphale was resolutely Not Resorting to asking Crowley for help in scaring off customers, and Crowley wasn’t going to waste a good sunning spot unless Aziraphale asked him to. 

“Mr. Fell, I cannot understand why you will not be reasonable about this! I am offering at least twice as much as the most generous appraiser I know would value this book at, and five times the going rate for this edition!” The collector blustered.

“And I have told you that I would consider your offer, so if you would just be on your way and I’ll contact you with my answer in a few days,” Aziraphale said, trying to bustle the man out of the bookshop.

“That’s what you said last month, and the month before that! Do you even still have my card?”

“Yes, well, I’ve been terribly busy, and I really must be going. I have a- a-” Crowley hissed laughingly at Aziraphale. “A veterinarian appointment for my snake that I must get to. So if you would just-” As he ushered the now much more nervous collector out of the shop, Aziraphale shot Crowley a glare. As he flipped the placard on the door to ‘Closed’, he rounded on the demon, who looked as innocent as a snake could[4] as he blinked lazily up at him.

“Really my dear, is there-” He was cut off by the door opening. As he spun to face the door, he said, “I told you, I need a few days to consider your offer!” only to stop short as he noticed a very different person from the collector step through the doorway.

“I’m terribly sorry, but as you can see, I’ve just closed. I’ll open again tomorrow at ten, so if you would come back then-” 

“I am not here for books Mr. Fell. My superiors have some questions for you about the events of last week. If you would come with me please,” The newcomer was a rather imposing man in a very government-like suit, and did not appear as though he would take no for an answer. 

“I have no patience for dealing with you today, young man. Your superiors had best learn to be disappointed.” And with that, Aziraphale miracled the man outside of the bookshop and halfway down the street, with the impression he was on his lunch break and not on assignment. Aziraphale firmly shut the door and flipped the lock before turning to Crowley once again.

“Now, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted-”

“Angel, wait,” Crowley said, morphing into his human appearance. “He said, ‘last week’. That was the apocalypse. How do they know about that?”

“Well, it could have been about the fire,” Aziraphale said reasonably. “It would be odd to have had such a bad fire and be back in business a week later.”

“None of your regulars have mentioned that,” Crowley pointed out.

“Well, if they somehow knew I was involved in the apocalypse, wouldn’t they know you were involved as well?” 

“...I. Might’ve, ah. Miracled away a governmental type hanging around the flat this morning.” 

“Oh, I wonder how I missed him! They’re rather obvious, aren’t they.” 

“I saw him when I popped out to get milk and scones. Didn’t let him really get a word out.” Crowley flushed a bit at Aziraphale’s exasperated stare. “What? It was early and we hadn’t had any tea yet. Half thought he was a missionary type, really.” 

“In that case, we might have a bit of a problem. We can’t just keep on miracling away the stooges forever, that’ll just make those in charge more curious,” Aziraphale mused, moving to tidy up around his cash register.

“But how would they know about the apocalypse in the first place? I thought Adam had mostly just returned everything to the way it was before his birthday. Unless they had video footage at the base or something,” Crowley muttered. “...Angel. They must have had video of the base.”

“All right, so we need to make that disappear somehow. Can you do that with your mobile? Is that a thing it can do? Or would it be in the cloud?” Aziraphale asked, proud of himself for remembering some of Crowley’s lectures on modern technology.[5]

“No, it’s military, they’d be much more secure. But that’s not the problem!” Crowley exclaimed, crossing over to Aziraphale and grabbing his shoulders. “Aziraphale, they know about Adam!”

* * *

Meanwhile, Adam and the Them were enjoying the remainder of their summer holiday. Currently, they were playing a new game where they told Dog to fetch, and made more and more intricate and improbable constructs from the materials he found. Some of the more interesting things included an old, rusted child’s wagon that was missing a wheel, a lump of wood about half a meter tall and shaped like a mushroom, and a bit of rock in the shape of a donut with flecks of quartz studded through it. Occasionally he would find something too big, awkward, or delicate for him to move, and would come and get the children in order to show them his find.[6] Their current project was turning out to look a bit like a pirate ship, and Dog had just brought them the rim of a pie tin to use for the wheel. There were still a few hours left before their parents expected them home for the night, and there had been no shady government agents knocking at their doors.[7]

* * *

“Would you at least drive a little closer to the speed limit? What do you think will happen if they notice we’re rushing to Tadfield? If they don’t know about Adam they certainly will if we’re not subtle about this!” Aziraphale said as he braced himself in the passenger seat of the Bentley. Crowley was weaving in and out of traffic at well above the speed limit.[8]

“There’s no time to lose! What if they’ve already taken him and have him hidden in some sort of secret facility? How would we find him then?” Crowley had, at this point, rather worked himself into a panic.

“Really, dear? That’s rather dramatic, don’t you think? It’s far more likely that they’ll just ask his parents what happened, they’ll dismiss it, and nothing will happen! What incriminating things would any video show against him? It’s not as if he summoned a fire storm or had all of the local wildlife acting at his will.”[9]

“He told Madam Tracy that there shouldn’t be two people in one body and you appeared!”

“Unless they know what he said that’s still ridiculous to assume he had anything to do with that, and much more reasonable to think that it was my doing! Really, are you taking all the times you fretted over Warlock and deciding you have to worry about Adam the same amount this instant?”

Crowley ignored him. Aziraphale was uncomfortably close to the truth, which was that Crowley felt rather guilty that they had accidentally secret-semi-fake-godparented the wrong child for over a decade. He could tell all his plants apart and knew every single descendent of every plant he’d ever owned[10], but wasn’t able to tell the difference between the Antichrist and the child of an American diplomat![11] He had delivered Adam to the Satanic nuns himself, but hadn’t even thought to put a marker on the child’s blanket or nappy so they could find him![12]

“How far is the exit?” Crowley asked.

Aziraphale eyed the rapidly retreating sign in the Bentley’s rearview mirror, then glanced at the speedometer. “Oh, about three miles. Back in that direction.” He gestured over his shoulder as Crowley cursed and swung into the next exit.

* * *

The Them had finished their pirate ship creation. The only thing that they still needed was a proper pirate flag. The question was, where would they get one?

“Mum doesn’t sew,” Pepper said flatly, when the boys looked to her.

“My mother wouldn’t approve,” Wensleydale said.

“Mine wouldn’t either, probably,” Adam agreed. 

They all looked at Brian, who shrugged. “Mum’s visiting my aunt this week.”

Stumped, they paused. It was a very good ship, but it wouldn’t be a proper pirate’s ship without a Jolly Roger. 

“Well, I suppose we could ask Anathema. Seems like she’d know how to make a flag,” Adam suggested. He was vaguely basing this on the fact that she wore old-fashioned, witchy clothing, and as he had no idea where one would buy said clothing, she must have made it herself. 

The others agreed and grabbed their bikes to ride to Jasmine Cottage.

* * *

Now, to cover our cast of characters;

Aziraphale and Crowley are entering Tadfield, finally at the speed limit, and trying to remember the route to Adam’s house.

Adam and the Them are also entering Tadfield, headed towards Jasmine Cottage.

Anathema and Newt are enjoying an afternoon picnic in the garden.[13]

And two government types are finally catching up to the Bentley, which one of their fellows had stuck a tracker on earlier that morning.

The apotheosis is upon us.

* * *

“Hi Anathema, hi Newt,” Adam said, riding up to the fence. 

“Hello Adam,” Anathema replied. “What are you up to today?”

“We made a pirate ship!” Brian exclaimed.

“But we don’t have a Jolly Roger for it,” Pepper finished.

Right as Wensleydale was about to add onto that, the Bentley pulled up behind the Them.[14] Crowley immediately jumped out. Aziraphale followed at a slower pace.

“Hello Adam, this may sound a bit weird, but have you noticed any shadowy government types hanging around Tadfield or your house lately?” He noticed, finally, where they actually were. “Wait, this isn’t your house, is it?”

“If there were, I don’t know if I should tell you. I hardly know you, after all,” Adam replied sensibly. 

“Why are you asking Adam that?” Anathema asked Crowley.

“Well, we’ve had a bit of trouble with people asking about last week, and Crowley got it into his head that they must have video of what happened at the airbase,” Aziraphale said. 

Everyone took this in for a moment. “Well, if there was any video, they probably would have been poking around us as well, and I haven’t seen anyone suspicious,” Newt said. 

“And why would they bother Adam? I don’t recall him doing anything particularly suspicious, other than being at the airbase,” Anathema asked.

“That’s what I told him!” Aziraphale exclaimed. “But he got it into his head that whoever was looking into this would make several _highly_ unlikely conjectures and figure out that Adam had powers.”

“Oh, I still have powers,” Adam piped up. 

Silence. 

“Oh, well. Er. That could either complicate matters or simplify them,” Aziraphale said. Crowley looked like he was three seconds away from hyperventilating. A man in a black suit[15] tripped and fell from behind a bush. 

“See!” Crowley exclaimed. “We got here just in time!”

“Why don’t you stop jumping to conclusions and ask why there are people following you around?” Anathema asked, exasperated. 

“That sounds like a very reasonable decision, my dear,” Aziraphale said, approaching the man. “Now sir, why are you here?” He surreptitiously waved his hand[16] as he asked the question.

“I was assigned to investigate Anthony J. Crowley by my superiors due to his resemblance to the man witnessed driving through the M25 when it was on fire.” 

A brief, awkward silence ensued. 

“My superiors have been investigating all of the suspicious events which happened a week ago due to the disappearance of Trident missiles,” the man helpfully continued. 

“Aren’t Trident missiles nuclear?” Anathema asked, eyeing Adam.

“Yes, they are,” Newt answered, not understanding her question.

“Adam, you put back the nuclear reactor, right?” Anathema asked.

“Yes, why?” Adam also didn’t quite understand this line of thought.

“I think you got rid of a little more nuclear things than you meant to.”

* * *

Once the pieces had been put together, everything was resolved quite quickly. Adam replaced the Trident missiles and, with a bit of trial and error, managed to muddle with events so that the government did not recall they had ever been gone. None of them were quite sure if that would halt the inquiry on the rest of the events around the apocalypse, but suspicion likely wouldn’t be as intense without nuclear weapons involved. Anathema and Crowley exchanged contact information in case that supposition was wrong.

“Well, I suppose it’s getting a bit late to make the Ritz, angel, but I think your favorite sushi place will still be open when we get back to London,” Crowley said as they got back into the Bentley. 

“It will be,” Aziraphale replied. “Or we could get Thai on our way back.”

“So, what did you kids want to ask about earlier?” Anathema asked, packing up the picnic basket. 

“Would you help us make a Jolly Roger for our pirate ship? Please?” Adam asked her.

“Sure, but I can’t sew,” she replied. 

“I can,” Newt interjected. “Were you thinking a traditional skull and crossbones, or something different?”

* * *

[1] He still dedicated a considerable amount of time to the task; he couldn’t let the plants think it was acceptable to start slacking off. Especially considering Aziraphale had begun _encouraging_ his plants. They were bound to develop bad habits if he didn’t keep on top of them.

[2] Shutting down cell networks and designing hellish road systems were fairly time intensive, but much of that time involved waiting instead of doing. Gluing coins to sidewalks, giving incomprehensible and inaccurate directions to tourists, and putting low-level jinxes on baristas of certain coffee shops so that they were incapable of hearing or spelling the names of customers correctly were much more low effort and almost as effective.

[3] Who was, of course, in his serpent form.

[4] After eating a canary.

[5] Aziraphale, like many people, had no idea what the cloud really was, or how it worked. Crowley was just happy that he had progressed from referring to mobiles as ‘cellular devices’.

[6] These included a moss encrusted but intact ten gallon aquarium, half of the shell of a robin’s egg, and two halves of a steamer trunk- each of which was from a different trunk.

[7] Yet.

[8] Really, one might wonder exactly how a vintage car such as the Bentley could reach the speed it was traveling at. Unless, of course, you knew that it was owned and driven by a demon.

[9] Adam did have Dog acting at his will, of course, but as that was generally taken as a sign of a well behaved and trained dog, that was very unlikely to arouse any suspicions. If Dog had been Cat instead? Well, that would be very strange indeed.

[10] And replanted in their native habitat when he ‘killed’ them.

[11] And Baby C, but both Crowley and Aziraphale had quite forgotten that there had been a third baby in the mix that day.

[12] Ignoring the fact that he had not so much as started on the train of thought that would lead to him persuading Aziraphale to become the secret-semi-fake-godparents of the Antichrist. Or, again, that there had been three babies involved that day.

[13] They had had several picnics in the last week. Tadfield was rather short on activities for a young couple trying to get to know one another and both of them had quite a bit of time on their hands, as their erstwhile careers had ended.

[14] It may seem very coincidental that Aziraphale and Crowley managed to find Adam somewhere other than his house so quickly. In a way it is, but in another way, they are also quite lost.

[15] A very government-esque suit.

[16] Crowley had finally managed to introduce him to Star Wars three days ago. Aziraphale was quite taken with Ewan McGregor.

**Author's Note:**

> ...so there's my first fic on AO3. Not exactly happy with the ending, but eh. Hopefully I'll get my butt in gear and get more stuff written to a point where it can be posted. 
> 
> Also, virtual cookies to whoever gets the reference.
> 
> I do not allow this work to be reposted on any other site without my explicit permission.


End file.
